South Dade Area Narcotics Anonymous

 It’s approximately 90 days later. NA and H&I have been bringing NA presentations to the institution where I have been living. For the first time in my life I had no answers, nothing to say. I believed all my life that I knew everything. My vast knowledge of lifehad landed me in this institution a broken man. I couldn’t get my mind off of the man from NA who I met when I was in detox. His story was in my thoughts, the hope he gave me began to grow, I started believing.

I am one of those people who need to see it to believe it and for the last 90 days or so I have had a steady stream of evidence being presented to me by NA’s H&I meetings. I heard story after story, and personally met recovering people who had found a new way to live. I had never met anyone who stopped using for any extended period of time, and here was this fellowship of men and women who would come in and share their stories for free.  After time I began to get to know some of them and they would call me by my name when they would see me, (WOW I am beginning to start new relationships with people who are clean and living in society) they would take their time to talk and listen to me. When they see me they give me a hug, (human contact that isn’t of a violent nature?) what’s happening here? Could it be? Oh my God, I caught myself smiling, this cant be I am feeling good and laughing. I quickly put on my angry face, people are getting too close, I am showing a feeling that isn’t anger or rage I need to be careful. I wont allow myself too much happiness, (very scary,) and that’s how it goes for some time, little by little I begin to start experiencing new feelings, and relationships. I think I will stay for one more day. I still haven’t found him I know he’s out there If only I could find that first guy I met in detox and show him I’m still clean. Was he even real? Was it a dream? Where is he???? Anonymous

I have been asked to write on relapse and the difficulties on making it back
to NA. I find myself very fortunate to have made it back. My last relapse took me to
a place where I never want to be at again. I had already experienced the jails, the
institutions, and on this last relapse an overdose, almost death. It has been real
hard to come back, gathering up those first days, convincing myself to stay, even if
I felt the shame, the guilt. What will people say about me? I am a liar, I can’t do
this, and I definitely can’t share, everyone thinks I am full of it. These are only
some of the things that crossed my mind.
 
        Something inside me told me to share it with someone and I did. I am
learning that  these thoughts are not real. I let others know exactly how I feel and
I take the action to change my old ways. Talking to my sponsor has also been
difficult  shame, guilt, feeling less than, and fear have made this hard. These are
only some of the consequences of relapse for me. I realize that fear  has controlled
me for so many years in active addiction. Today I know for a fact that I can not do
this alone but I do know I can with the help from my real friends in NARCOTICS
ANONYMOUS.